


a quick story to get it out of my head already

by sasukekeke



Category: Original Work
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-07
Updated: 2020-04-07
Packaged: 2021-03-01 19:13:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,066
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23522113
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sasukekeke/pseuds/sasukekeke
Summary: im just writing about what was on my mind





	a quick story to get it out of my head already

its our 3rd year of highschool, junior year. they say its the hardest but personally ive been fine.

what does it mean to be "fine"?

I started off the year with a dilemma of sorts. An ex friend, lets call them "person B" had only existed in my life to cause trouble. it was so toxic that... i loved it. i couldnt help but put myself at their mercy and chase after them even when i knew at some point they started despising me. They had not always hated me. Our first year of highschool, we met eachother for the first time even though we came from the same middleschool and we instantly clicked. It was slow at first, both of us being shy and afraid, but once it was over, everything seemed to fall into place. To be completely honest, i dont remember much of what happened and its been years since it and ive progressed as a person but... i feel as if i just need to get it all out and over with again. Anyways, we became close friends, one might even say bestfriends and i felt really great. I liked having one close friend, someone who was "mine". hmm... i realize that i dont want to think of said events anymore but to sum it up: person B leaves our friend group we have out of nowhere and i dont chase, i later find out that person B actually had romantic liking towards me which surprised me but also excited me, months pass and the current friend group whom which i stayed with makes me uncomfortable since all they speak about is drama and petty gossip (fucking pathetic if you ask me) and so i end off my first year ignoring all my "friends" and wanting to chase after friend B. 

My second year and the first 2 weeks im completely alone but im fine. this time i think i was really "fine". Ive always been alone as a child, so being on my own wasnt something new to me and was rather familiar and a little comforting. I end up "making up" with friend B but this is where a new person comes into play, friend A. friend A was the only male from the group and had also left when friend B did. I had close relations with him as we actually got along really well and had a relationship where we could just laugh and laugh for hours (and its still like that). We immediately tried to connect like before but i could not look at them the same anymore and it was the same for them. For the beginning of the year it was just a lot of fake laughing and pretending to be comfortable but I simply stopped. I knew i was hurt because of them but i still came back like a dog, eager for their owner to pet them and tell them they did a good job. Thats where it started. My life started to revolve around them and their selfish desires and i enjoyed it. I loved the feeling of being treated like absolute garbage because thats what i was. worthless. trash. I got myself off knowing that im useless and simply a toy for others to use and dispose. I barely remember any of it now. it feels like a dream.

Soon enough, friend A finally got tired of friend B and left. it was over the summer and i had been ignoring everyone, trying to find myself or at least detach myself from reality. friend A is probably the best person from this entire story. theyre really kind and sweet and i honestly wouldnt be as happy as i can be now if it wasnt for them. the problem was that we got along soo well that friend B got envious and jealous, and so did I. Its all in the past, so i dont feel anything for friend A anymore, theyre like a brother to me and i love them like one. friend B is out of the picture forever and im glad. it took me a while to separate myself but I did it and im much better off. 

My current problem isnt a big one, but is due most likely to the anger and walls ive built up for myself after being hurt over and over again. friend A is my absolute bestfriend but hes very popular. im fine with it. I sometimes feel inferior and get really bad thoughts which i dont like and could be hurtful and i hate myself for it. I know its because im weak. Its because im so self conscious of myself that i get jealous when hes thriving because i wish that could be me. I wish i could live life as easily as he does. ive been on and off of antidepressants and they changed me. Ever since them, im basically sexually dysfunctional, i cant think straight, ive started to question my own gender and i dont know who i am anymore. I used to play piano so passionately and even wanted to think about going professional, but now i havent touched my piano in months and i lost my interest in it. i lost my interest in everything. in life.

even as i type this out from my laptop, it like i feel nothing inside of me. i still feel useless. 

i originally came on here to talk about how friend A still talks to a person from our first original friend group (the one with the girls who lived only for gossip and rumors) and how it gets on my nerves. i used to think to myself, "i dont hate them, we are just not close and i dont want to be", but now i simply hate them. ive become less forgiving as the years pass by and im only gaining more and more anger and annoyance towards people. its because i hate myself.

im tired of feeling empty inside. i did this to myself. its all my fault. i cant forgive myself and its pathetic.

feeling fine is my excuse. im neither happy nor sad, im simply "fine". ive chosen to just accept this dull life of mine and say that im alright with it when i know that im not. i hate it. i hate feeling fine.


End file.
